FEEL, WANT, & WILLING

 

 

The central theme of this exercise is a communications methodology called “feel-want-willing”. Basically, it encourages you to express your needs in three steps:

1.- Feel – describe the problem you face in terms of how it makes you feel

2. – Want – state what you want for resolving the problem

3. – Willing – state what you are willing to do in order to achieve what you want

 

Feel: The first stage isn’t empty. It tells the other person how the problem is affecting you, developing a sense of urgency and empathy. The
idea is that if the other person sees the consequence of the problem, and not just the symptoms, they can respond with something that solves the underlying issue, and not just the symptoms.

Why is this important? If you skip the first stage – or can’t express what it is that really bothers you about something – your communications with others become just a repeated set of “I want I want” statements. The other person, if they really care about you, will try one after another band-aid solution without ever solving the problem.

 

Want: What do you want to have happen? How do you want the situation to change?

 

Willing: What are you personally willing to do to get what you want?

 

 

^{When practiced to the point of being embodied (becomes natural way of expressing yourself) this technique is a good conflict resolution skill.}

^{1. No one can legitimately say that you are not feeling what you are feeling.}

^{2. They cannot tell you that you don’t want what you want.}

^{3. No one can tell you that you are not willing to do what you are willing to do.}

 

^{The Exercise:}

^{Feel, Want and Willing}

• ^{State what you Feel: I feel happy, Sad, Not Heard?}

 

• ^{State what you Want: How do you want the situation to be different or resources you may need.}

 

• ^{State what you are personally Willing to do to make it happen. (Not what you think others need to do.)}

 

When practicing with another person:

^{Get with a partner.}

^{1. Decide who will go first.}

^{2. The person going first describes a real situation in their life that they feel needs resolution.}

^{3. The talker then uses the Feel, Want, Willing process to identify the feeling state, and the resolution needed.}

^{4. The listener listens to the story and takes in as much information as possible. Noticing how it feels to hear a story in this way. Making a mental note of any
feelings that may come up.}

^{5. When finished discuss the feelings that were felt by both partners.}

^{6. Then switch places and repeat the process.}

 

Communication techniques require practice to become a natural part of how you express yourself.

You can practice this technique at home. Use a mirror, photograph, dog, cat, tree, or a rock. It does not matter what you talk to. What is important is that you talk out the process until you become comfortable with the technique.